What’s going on in ‘le bump’ world in these last few weeks?? Well, immediately apparent is the fact that twinnies 1 and 2 have decided to hog every last available space on the inside of the abdomen. Anything like lungs and kidneys which are silly enough to get in the way can jolly well either move or get royally squished. Twin 2 in particular seems to be cultivating a speciality where he tries grabbing his feet, gets tangled up in the cord and consequently frightens himself into a frenzy of limbs trying to unscramble himself again. As a result I cannot get comfy whichever way I position myself. If I stand up I feel dizzy, if I lie down I cut off all my vital arterial supplies with baby weight, if I slouch, all the liquid pools attractively in my feet and I feel like a human lava lamp but if I sit upright , anything from the hip bones down starts to tingle as there’s so much weight bearing down on these bones! Despite this, my favourite game of the moment is hedging bets on which twin will start hiccuping first after every meal. It’s absolutely hilarious to watch as the bump spends 20 minutes on either side, jumping around manically with a mind of its own.
The start of week 35 proves to be eventful at the very least. Following a crazy previous week of high-end board meetings, disputes and official wrangles, it would appear that too much excitement has taken its toll on me. Subsequently, I end up in the maternity unit with pre-term contractions and hypertension. The babies are still wriggling, but I feel very sick, dizzy, disorientated and completely not right whatsoever. Whilst in the delivery suite’s equivalent of triage, I try to keep myself calm by looking at the funny side of things. There are plenty to choose from. Do I go for the older midwife who looks like a creation from Bo Selecta? Or do I laugh more at the inevitable Morecambe and Wise curtain gag which occurs EVERY single time someone tries to reach me from the outside of my bedridden cocoon? You’d think after all these years of NHS care, they’d learn to design a stripe down one side of the pull around curtains so a desperate nurse in a flap knows how and where to reach her patient…? Apparently not though. The experience of watching the medics fumble and punch their way around the curtains is so highly entertaining ( “ Hello? Are you in there? How do I get in??”) maybe it’s a design flaw which has been retained to keep the collective peckers up on otherwise bored and neglected patients. It worked on me anyway.
After deciding the babies could be in established launch position and everything looks hit and miss for labour, I am admitted to ward 74 for overnight ‘ obs’ under the premise that “we (the hospital ) would feel really stupid if you went home now and had the twins on the living room floor”…. Nice.
Obs turn out to be every two hours overnight and still no sign of the babies. By the following afternoon, all has calmed down and I am duly released following one last trace on the babies state of health. With a clean bill of health, but a full report on the exhaustion front, I am warned to stay on the sofa or in bed until the babies arrive … “yeh, right”.
Week 36 and my waddle has turned into more of a side-to side lurch a la drunken rhino. Since returning from hospital I appear to have lost any sense of normality I once had , the babies seem to have gained yet more weight and I’ve started feeling bits appearing which weren’t there before. Apparently the worrying bumps at the side of the armpits are not a cause for concern, but in fact are called ‘ breast tails’. This is a perfectly normal result of the body getting overexcited about producing milk ready for the birth and not – as I thought- something tassly worn by strippers on the end of their nipples for fun.
It would appear that any minute now the babies could make an appearance. Week 37 is counted as full term for twins , so either way there’s not long to go. This last week I have been pacing the floor, washing all the surfaces down and clearing out cupboards, packing and re-packing the hospital bag, feeling twin 1 falling further and further into the pelvis…. Surely it can’t be long now…?!
©Tess Egerton 2013