Hairy Mary Quite Contrary

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May
4

You may remember back in the mists of late autumn 2011, I spent some time bemoaning the plastic fantastic idealism of the Kashing Kar-dash- eeee- enns.  The over exuberant extravagance of  the KimKris wedding, the excruciating falseness of the swinging Disney intonation patterns and vacuous  vanity displays.

Well it would appear that all good things DO arrive at the table for those who wait, and this spring it occurred with bells on…. Cue slightly off centre, one Professor Mary Beard; latterly of ‘Meet The Romans ‘  fame and quintessential Classics expert.

How deliciously ironic could it be that a perfectly self- sufficient, independently minded academic as she, should reach the pinnacle of her  popular viewing  exposure on the same week as the Kardashian Wedding appearing on prime-time British music screens. The refreshing contrast between her no –nonsense, intrinsically informative presentation against the KK Klan’s non-sensical self- obsession could not have arrived with starker opposition from one another within the space of two days.

Obviously ,the greatest contrast between the two entities would appeal to our superficial  viewing on greater or lesser scale. That of Mary Beard’s typically professorial  appearance; with full refusal of any enhancement, costume or CGI, against that of the painfully primped princess of plastic ( I ‘SO’ wish I could find  appropriate K stylie alliteration for that one!).

But more importantly, it’s down to a display of attitude within the media circles also. Mary Beard couldn’t care less whether AA Gill thinks her teeth are on loan from the china tombstone collection. Yet, Kim Kardashian Tweets and FB’s incessantly about whether she is ‘obsessed’ with this dress or that, and should she wear  gold encrusted stilletos instead of leather ones…?  She had to take two whole weeks off with stress after the resulting furore her marriage separation caused……

It really does make one wonder which of the two is REALLY the powerful, all-encompassing new age female icon here? I know who my bet’s on…

© Tess Egerton 2012

Kwik Komment on Kardashian Klash

Posted by Tess Egerton in Tess' Blog      3 comments

Nov
9

So, Kim Kardashian has rocked the boat in Lala Land once more this last fortnight, announcing her petition for divorce from Kris Humphries after only 72 days!! ” Irreconcilable differences”, she said. He’s been partying and ” acting like a single man” she said ( well wouldn’t you, if you were competing against a handbag for attention?!).
KK had stated that she was ‘saddened’ she’d even had to defend her decision in front of an entire media universe who were only just recovering from filming her multi-million dollar wedding…! Am I missing something here??!!
“I came to this decision after very careful consideration” Kotton Kandy Kim simpered. Very careful consideration?? After 72 days?? Most people give the ‘careful consideration’ longer than her ENTIRE marriage lasted. I should imagine this icon of superficiality has probably spent longer choosing which designer lingerie to wear than she did on the legal state of her marriage.
What, also of the fated soon-to-be ex-husband? Since the typically public announcement, Kris Humphries has been seen loping dejectedly around his home state of Minnesota sporting a very unflattering royal blue ensemble in jogging attire. I shouldn’t wonder if it’s a deliberate reaction against having been suited , booted, primed, primped and manicured like a prize Ken doll for the last year. However, one can’t feel too sorry for the old chap as he is said to have accrued a joint $8 million from their nuptials on magazine deals, TV coverage and other extraneous endorsements.
Meanwhile, Klever Kim, ever the queen of self publicing and positive promotion has been back-peddling like a crazed hamster on a motor-wheel when kornered on the subject of the sheer waste her marriage circus created; waste of people’s time, money and efforts. ” I didn’t make a penny from the wedding and I’ll be donating the money for all the gifts to Dream Foundation”.
If you believe that, you ARE dreaming!!

© Tess Egerton 2011

To see more coverage on the wedding itself, see my review in ‘Kashing In With The Kardashians’.

The Munsters… Separated At Birth

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Oct
28

After months of trying to work out why the  Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries team seemed SO familiar… almost nostalgic really; it came to me like a thunderbolt out of the celluloid skies….!!!

I’m sure you agree, they are clearly direct descendents!

Kris Humphries and Kim K          Herman Munster and Lily

©Tess Egerton 2011

Kashing In With The Kardashians

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Oct
18

The beginning of this week heralded the much anticipated British broadcast of America’s most prestigious wedding this year; that of reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her basketball beefcake Kris Humphries.

Aired over not one, but two nights on the 16^th and 17^th of October via E!  channel, this unashamedly glamorous and theatrical event showed how America’s celebrities hold literally no limits on one up-manship when it comes to staging the ‘next big thing’. 

Held in the lavish grounds of the Montecito estate California , every detail was filmed for full visual impact by the matriarchal media queen Kris Jenner ( Kim’s dear ‘mom’). Having seen the wedding of Prince William to Kate Middleton earlier this summer, porn tape scandalette Kim had been heard cooing she wanted to provide America with its own Royal Wedding. Upon its unveiling, one could easily see that the sentiment was there, but the execution of the whole ensemble was more reminiscent of Walt Disney than Westminster Abbey. From the donning of the bridesmaids chav lounge suits in the pre-wedding footage to the gasps from the 400 strong guests as Kim K swept up the aisle in her Vera Wang wedding dress, it was clear that this event was very much going to be style over substance.

So , getting down to the programme itself; after all the expectation, advertisement, teasers and hype, there was a mere nineteen minutes coverage of the actual wedding day shown. Part one included many a diva style tantrum from Kimberly Noel Kardashian at both sister Khloe ( seemingly transparent and faked for effect) and Kris ( due to a last minute tash problem amongst other things) as well as the trials and tribulations of whether to keep her surname or not and checking last minute essentials .. six foot, black and white  encrusted wedding cake? Of course!!!

Once we finally reached the wedding day itself, there was a predictable last-minute reunion of sisters (they couldn’t make it up…. Oh? They did?!?), a schmaltzy letter from Khloe about Kim never losing her drive and quest for true love in life and a magnificent wedding entrance to the fanfare of ‘Here Comes The Bride’ as 6ft 9 Kris Humphries clapped eyes on his beautiful 5 ft 2 wife to be. The unapologetically outsized setting , decked in black and white swathes, KK symbols, citrus plants and white roses added to the cost of these extravagant nuptials, beautifully illustrating the £3.6 million spent to stage the day ( not including the estimated £7 million worth of Lorraine Schwartz jewellery worn by Kim alone).

As the family pastor officiated the relatively fleeting Christian ceremony, Kris  mouthed “ I love you” to Kim in a saccharin Sterident snapshot moment and Kim’s 20 month old nephew Mason, provided that ultimate “ahhh” factor as he merrily wombled up and down the aisles with the custom made wedding ring cushion. Once the vows had been made, the couple broke the several mile distance in height and shared a kiss as all 400 guests clapped ecstatically and made that mental note to tell every journalist in the country “ it was just like a fairy tale”.

Following the viewing of this enormously publicised event, I could only ascertain three things; one :-  In saying “ I am such a sucker for perfection” Kim was betraying a family ethos- not just talking about herself. This can be observed in the obsessive detail the Kardashian Klan insist on pervading to all who even skim their celebrity circles. When sister Khloe married her beau Lamar Odom last year one could easily imagine her pacing the highly waxed floor boards screaming “ but Mom, I can’t marry him his name doesn’t begin with a K or a C! We can’t even make a thing out of an L!!! It just doesn’t even LOOK like a K!!”.

Secondly, it occurred to me that all leading economists and politicians around the world are scratching their heads in wonder over the state of the world recession; wondering where this financial vacuum has come from? It’s so clear dear sirs… the money had all disappeared into the black and white encrusted hole which is now known as Kim Kardashian’s Wedding!

And finally, with a collective wealth estimated at around £40 million – Kris Jenner at the helm, and several new seasons of reality tv commissioned, there is a strong possibility of world domination in the shape of a giant K. The substantial probability of the planet spinning entirely off its axis, due to over-weighting of bank notes filling Kardashian Kastles during the next year or so seems a horror not worth contemplating. All in the name of a family who again exude style over content….sorry, ‘Kontent’.

But who would be bothered enough to stand in the way and attempt incur the manicured wrath of the Kim Kardashian Klan???!. Not me!

© Tess Egerton 2011