Another week has passed and my phone reliably informs me this morning that we are now 16 weeks pregnant….as if I hadn’t realised. Perhaps those soft and fluffy people in baby info land were pre-empting my rapidly decaying grey matter as a result of hormonal surges! The newly installed baby brain could be a good excuse to get away with everything but murder from hereon in however…. forgot the school packed lunch? Because I’m pregnant. Didn’t pay this month’s water bill? Because I’m pregnant. Need new shoes and an Armani handbag? Ohhh, ‘cos I’m pregnant! Of course- It’s easy!
On the physical side most noticeably occurring from this past week has been yet another expansion of the girth kind. Sunday morning , I tumble out of bed bleary-eyed (having been woken up several times in the night by very helpful double flutterings and semi conscious trips to the bathroom), only to realise I have nothing to wear! Overnight, everything has suddenly swollen out to an alarming proportion…I feel like Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory; terrified to look in the mirror in case I’ve also turned a deep shade of blueberry as well! It’s no good passifiying me with pre-natal bulletins talking of extra blood pumping round to support the growing babies… or the fluid retention occurring as a result of the whole hormonal change influx. None of these theories help at all considering I don’t eat much but I’ve had three wardrobe changes and still can’t find anything to do up, pull up or fasten around me for modesty’s sake! Finally I resort back to trusty leggings and half~tent ensemble so at least we can all head out through the front door without offending children and elderly ladies. Ironically, we decide to go for a wander around Glastonbury Tor and village. I ponder on the way, mulling over the idea of hiring myself out as a medium sized marquee at this year’s festival; complete with invisible dancing twins for entertainment.
Apparently, the invisible dancing twins are each the size of a large avocado this week. They can practice swinging on the umbilical cord, begin to learn breathing and also begin to limber up for those not-so-cute little whacks they’re going to give me in the kidneys ( perhaps even simultaneously) once they’ve doubled their size and strength in a few weeks’ time. Personally,I can tell they’re about to embark on a growth spurt as I’ve started becoming hungry again for the first time in three months. This is excellent news for the eager little beavers in there, but not so great for my hips, vanity or the pregnancy fashion police when I have to resort to mega maxi dresses as from next week onwards. Quite what my poor suffering ‘him indoors’ makes of this I really don’t know! Ever sweet and kind, he makes all the right noises of encouragement throughout the whole process , but surely must wonder where his energetic, spontaneous, wine bar/cinema/go-karting playmate of bygone days has disappeared to! So far I’ve gone through most of the Seven Dwarves instead.. Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy and occasionally Happy. Pity they didn’t cater for Crabby, , Fatty, Weepy or Ditzy.. I can play all four in the space of an hour at the moment.
Maybe next week I’ll be able to add ‘freaky’ to my list as we await the next scan. It will be our first on the NHS and we will be meeting our new obstetrician.. Note to self: do not whip trousers off and wave feet in the air like some crazed exhibitionist unless a) he asks you or b) you want to be sectioned immediately.
© Tess Egerton 2013