The beginning of this week heralded the much anticipated British broadcast of America’s most prestigious wedding this year; that of reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her basketball beefcake Kris Humphries.
Aired over not one, but two nights on the 16th and 17th of October via E! channel, this unashamedly glamorous and theatrical event showed how America’s celebrities hold literally no limits on one up-manship when it comes to staging the ‘next big thing’.
Held in the lavish grounds of the Montecito estate California , every detail was filmed for full visual impact by the matriarchal media queen Kris Jenner ( Kim’s dear ‘mom’). Having seen the wedding of Prince William to Kate Middleton earlier this summer, porn tape scandalette Kim had been heard cooing she wanted to provide America with its own Royal Wedding. Upon its unveiling, one could easily see that the sentiment was there, but the execution of the whole ensemble was more reminiscent of Walt Disney than Westminster Abbey. From the donning of the bridesmaids chav lounge suits in the pre-wedding footage to the gasps from the 400 strong guests as Kim K swept up the aisle in her Vera Wang wedding dress, it was clear that this event was very much going to be style over substance.
So , getting down to the programme itself; after all the expectation, advertisement, teasers and hype, there was a mere nineteen minutes coverage of the actual wedding day shown. Part one included many a diva style tantrum from Kimberly Noel Kardashian at both sister Khloe ( seemingly transparent and faked for effect) and Kris ( due to a last minute tash problem amongst other things) as well as the trials and tribulations of whether to keep her surname or not and checking last minute essentials .. six foot, black and white encrusted wedding cake? Of course!!!
Once we finally reached the wedding day itself, there was a predictable last-minute reunion of sisters (they couldn’t make it up…. Oh? They did?!?), a schmaltzy letter from Khloe about Kim never losing her drive and quest for true love in life and a magnificent wedding entrance to the fanfare of ‘Here Comes The Bride’ as 6ft 9 Kris Humphries clapped eyes on his beautiful 5 ft 2 wife to be. The unapologetically outsized setting , decked in black and white swathes, KK symbols, citrus plants and white roses added to the cost of these extravagant nuptials, beautifully illustrating the £3.6 million spent to stage the day ( not including the estimated £7 million worth of Lorraine Schwartz jewellery worn by Kim alone).
As the family pastor officiated the relatively fleeting Christian ceremony, Kris mouthed “ I love you” to Kim in a saccharin Sterident snapshot moment and Kim’s 20 month old nephew Mason, provided that ultimate “ahhh” factor as he merrily wombled up and down the aisles with the custom made wedding ring cushion. Once the vows had been made, the couple broke the several mile distance in height and shared a kiss as all 400 guests clapped ecstatically and made that mental note to tell every journalist in the country “ it was just like a fairy tale”.
Following the viewing of this enormously publicised event, I could only ascertain three things; one :- In saying “ I am such a sucker for perfection” Kim was betraying a family ethos- not just talking about herself. This can be observed in the obsessive detail the Kardashian Klan insist on pervading to all who even skim their celebrity circles. When sister Khloe married her beau Lamar Odom last year one could easily imagine her pacing the highly waxed floor boards screaming “ but Mom, I can’t marry him his name doesn’t begin with a K or a C! We can’t even make a thing out of an L!!! It just doesn’t even LOOK like a K!!”.
Secondly, it occurred to me that all leading economists and politicians around the world are scratching their heads in wonder over the state of the world recession; wondering where this financial vacuum has come from? It’s so clear dear sirs… the money had all disappeared into the black and white encrusted hole which is now known as Kim Kardashian’s Wedding!
And finally, with a collective wealth estimated at around £40 million – Kris Jenner at the helm, and several new seasons of reality tv commissioned, there is a strong possibility of world domination in the shape of a giant K. The substantial probability of the planet spinning entirely off its axis, due to over-weighting of bank notes filling Kardashian Kastles during the next year or so seems a horror not worth contemplating. All in the name of a family who again exude style over content….sorry, ‘Kontent’.
But who would be bothered enough to stand in the way and attempt incur the manicured wrath of the Kim Kardashian Klan???!. Not me!
© Tess Egerton 2011